Sometimes, a Tale that Just Has to be Told
One sunny afternoon, Donald Trump went into a mid-town Manhattan bar, not realizing that there were all of the contenders for the Democrat nomination, inside-
There were Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden, sitting at the bar, while Michael Bloomberg and Tulsi Gabbard were sitting at a table- both engaged in deep conversation. Hillary was alone, off to the side with a stack of unsold books, while Michelle was just exiting the men’s roo-… er… I mean, the ladies’ room (whew!).
Pete Buttigieg was there with Amy Klobuchar, each with a beer and were busy in a game of darts. Tending the bar were Julian Castro and Cory Booker, who himself was wearing a ‘Spartacus’ t-shirt, while Tom Steyer was checking the cash register and counting the money. Andrew Yang had just ordered a drink, while Elizabeth Warren stood alone by the door, donning a magnificent, floor-length Apache headdress…
So, as Donald Trump entered and noticed Elizabeth Warren standing still by the door, numb and speechless (for once) at the thought of Trump entering this bar, Trump said to his aide, “Go back to the limo, open the trunk and bring me a box of ‘Trump’s Premium Cigars’…I think Liz might be more useful holding the box with an open lid, and with a sign that reads ‘Cigars $10.’”
Trump then exchanges cordial nods with Yang and sits down next to Joe Biden.
Biden turns to him and says, “Donald, I wanted you to come by so I could thank your for contributing to my Senate campaign this year… I’m sure the people down in Delaware love you, man!”
To that, the President replied, “Sleepy Joe, for cryin’ out loud, that was thirty-some odd years ago!”
Then, Bernie interrupted, saying, “You see what I’ve been saying? You billionaires- you with all your ill-gotten gains- buy elections away from the working men and women who can’t even set aside enough money to buy a ’Che’ Guevarra t-shirt, or contribute to my campaign.”
Donald turned to him and said, “Bernie, don’t you have tickets to the Bolshoi ballet tonight, or are you hopping on a private jet to go see some baseball with your buddy, Raul Castro?”
At that point, Booker looks at the president and says, “Whatta’ you have?” with eyes wide open… In fact, they were opened so wide, that the President became a little suspicious and said, “uhhh…nothing for right now, thanks.”
Trump then left Biden and Bernie at the bar and went over towards the table where Tulsi and “Bloomby” were having a conversation.
Bloomberg said to Tulsi, “I don’t know how you do it. I spend more than $100 million for each delegate I received, and I did manage to pick up American Samoa, where I have never been, and here you have more delegates than I do…what’s your secret, Tulsi?”
The Hawaiian Senator said, “Well, Mike, I have been to the American Samoa, and know many of the 175 people who voted there…the only advice I could give you is that you need to be likable…do you see that woman sitting over there, trying to sell her books?… She never learned that lesson and still wonders how she spent twice as much money, only to lose to Trump.”
Trump turned to see Hillary, alone at a table stacked high with her books, and said to her, “You know, Hillary, I once had a bestseller called ‘The Art of the Deal’- so I know something about…well, you, know…about how to sell a book (and win an election, by the way)…and this is no place to try to sell books– I mean how many people…even my people…great, great people…go into a bar to buy a book?”
Mrs. Clinton just glared at him with steely eyes and said, “I’ll bet you conspired with Russia to launch an on-line Facebook campaign panning my book sales, you mean lousy son-of-a-…”
The President quickly interrupted her, smiled and said, “Hey, there’s no need to get nasty…that’s just sick…I mean these people are sick…listen, I’ll talk to my son, Eric, and see if he can’t give you a discount on an ad spot to plug your book on trump.com…who knows, maybe just maybe, you’ll sell a book or two…?”
Then, walking over to Buttigieg and Klobuchar, Trump said, “What’s with you two, pulling out of the race on the night before ‘Super Tuesday’… was there a quid pro quo with Joe?”
“No,” said Klobuchar, “of course not…Joe said something to us about us pulling out of the race three days before ‘Super Thursday,’ so we were happy to oblige…”
Then, Buttigieg said, “Mr. President, how come I never see you wearing any kind of glasses- even reading glasses- don’t you ever read?”
To that, Trump smiled, winked and said, “Pete, I read all the time, and as far as your question is concerned, I’ve already got 2020, thanks…”
Approaching the door, Trump handed a $10 bill to “Liz” Warren, saying to her “No, thanks, I don’t smoke, but by all means give it to your hubby when you go home, you know, when you get yourselves a beer…”
Leaving the place, Trump once again turned to his aide and said, “It’s a good thing I don’t drink…I mean these people…these horrible, horrible people…I mean they’re sick…I mean sick…”
Getting into his limo, the President was driven away and, turning around for one more glance, he smiled and said, “So long, losers, see you in the funnies…”
-Drew Nickell, 4 March 2020
© 2020 by Drew Nickell, all rights reserved.
author of “Bending Your Ear- a Collection of Essays on the Issues of Our Times”
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