The Official (…maybe not so…) Unlikely Predictions for 2016

The Official (…maybe not so…) Unlikely Predictions for 2016

 

  • Disgusted that Donald Trump actually won the Republican nomination for President of the United States, former Florida Governor Jeb Bush, along with Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, House Speaker Paul Ryan, South Carolina Senator Lindsay Graham and political commentator George Will launch a “Republicans for Hillary Campaign Committee”…with the motto… “He’s not a serious candidate, and we’d rather see the country destroyed than to let Donald win”…

 

  • Having lost forty-five of the fifty states in the General Election, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton demands a recount in all forty-five of the states in which Donald Trump won, and names Florida Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman- Schultz as head of the “Commission to Verify the Results of the 2016 Election”, saying that “we need to ensure that the re-counts are overseen by a fair, non-partisan woman of unquestionable ethics”. Astonishingly, following the recounts in those states, it turns out that not a single voter in any of the states where the recount took place, actually cast a vote for Donald Trump…not one.

 

  • Donald Trump, having recently found a pair of Hillary Clinton’s underwear in Rosie O’Donnell’s glove compartment, makes a simple, two-word announcement on live television…”They’re ‘YUGE’ !”, prompting charges that he discriminates against plus-sized women.

 

  • President Barack Obama, while being interviewed by Rachel Maddow on MsNBC, is asked “As your presidency approaches its final day, who do you think, Mr. President, is the greatest human being who ever lived?” Obama replied, with a chuckle, “…you mean, besides myself?” Maddow, responded with “that’s understood by all, Mr. President…besides yourself?” Obama then responds with, “I can’t think of anyone, off hand, Rachel…” For the interview, Rachel Maddow is awarded a Pulitzer Prize for investigative, non-biased Journalism.

 

  • In response to Caitlin (nee Bruce) Jenner being named “Vanity Fair’s 2015 Woman of the Year”, First Lady Michelle Obama is named “Maxim’s 2016 Man of the Year”. Also appearing in Hustler Magazine, a centerfold of Barack Obama with a quote from General Ralph Peters “What did I tell you … WHAT did I TELL you?…”

 

  • The last Gallup poll is released just prior to the November election, indicating that an unbiased, across-the-political-spectrum poll indicated that Hillary Clinton leads Donald Trump, 96% to 4%. It is later determined that the poll’s sampling was centered in Greenwich Village and the University of California- Berkeley ‘s Sociology Department.

 

  • In a landmark ruling, the Supreme Court of the United States rules that the Constitutional two-term limit for a presidential term does not apply to Barack Obama- but only in the event that a Republican is elected. The ruling is hailed on both sides of the aisle as a win for representative democracy and sound jurisprudence. Later, it is determined that Chief Justice John Roberts, having been named a trustee of the Clinton Foundation, refused to recuse himself from hearing the case “Obama vs the United States”, which sets off a firestorm from conservative political commentators.

 

  • CBS News announced that Chelsea Clinton has been named Senior White House Correspondent, because the network “prides itself on unbiased coverage and fair reporting”. ABC, following CBS’s lead, announces that George Stephanopoulos will be named Senior White House Correspondent, for the very same reason.

 

  • The Baltimore Orioles defeat the Chicago Cubs in a World Series no one thought possible, under any circumstances.

 

  • The National Football League names Patriots’ Head Coach Bill Belichick as head of the League’s newly formed “Ethics Committee”. Also announced is that the Committee’s Player  Representative will be Patriots’ Quarterback Tom Brady.

Happy New Year!

-Drew Nickell, 29 December 2015

©2015 by Drew Nickell, all rights reserved