The Official (…or maybe not so…) Unlikely Predictions for 2017, and Beyond…
A year ago today, we posted a decidedly satirical and sardonic list of unlikely predictions for 2016 ( http://www.drewnickell.com/?p=445 ). Oddly enough, on close inspection, much of the content within many of these predictions actually came true, in one way or another. So this year, we thought we might offer our perhaps-not-so-unlikely predictions for next year, and the extended near future beyond…
- In September of 2017, Barron Trump, having been recently enrolled in a prestigious and elite preparatory school located in Washington D.C., will enter the school on his first day, amid a ton of media coverage, wearing a navy blue blazer with the school’s crest on its pocket, and a necktie striped in the school’s colors. The videos broadcast that morning prompt a frenzy of pre-teen and early teen-aged girls who have suddenly developed a crush on him, and that leads to his being designated as the next teen idol, as noted in teen-targeted magazines.
- Also in September, 2017, former President Barack Obama publishes his first post-election book, a memoir of his years in the White House. The book, entitled “The Perils of Perfection- the Presidency of Barack Obama,” and by year’s end, surprisingly becomes listed in the New York Times best-seller list, but in the fiction category- the first for a book pretending to be non-fiction.
- Dateline October, 2017- In a narrow 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court rules against the findings of the United States Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit in San Francisco, on a suit by Hillary Clinton which attempted to overturn the results of the 2016 election, based on the premise that it was the Russians who set up her private server without her knowledge, and who fabricated all of the e-mails her lawyers had deleted in the first place, and which prompted the FBI investigation which she further alleges cost her the election. In their dissent, Justices Ginsburg, Sotomayor, Kagen and Breyer, note that exceptions should be made for former first ladies who otherwise “deserve to be president.”
- Also, in October of 2017, Wal-Mart announces the closure of one-fifth of its stores, nationwide, as the result of price increases on Chinese imports, caused by first-time tariffs imposed by the Trump administration, at the same percentage that China has imposed on U.S. imports, for decades.
- In December of 2017, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady announces that this season will be his last and hopes to play out the end of his career in Super Bowl LII.
- By the end of 2017, it is noted that only one of the many celebrities who threatened to leave the United States and move to Canada if Donald Trump was elected, actually moved to Canada. It is suspected that Miley Cyrus did so, to avoid charges in District Court, stemming from her giving the finger to a judge who fined her for failure to stop at a red light on Hollywood Boulevard.
- The end of 2017 also brings on the announcement that Hillary Rodham Clinton is legally separating from her husband, William Jefferson Clinton. In the early months of 2018, she files for divorce when it is revealed that the former president is now an expectant father, along with his girlfriend Lindsay Lohan.
- The 2019 Major League Baseball Season begins with the announcement that Cal Ripken, Jr. has purchased the Baltimore Orioles from Attorney Peter Angelos. Promising to return the Orioles to post season play, Ripken announces that former manager Buck Showalter will be named general manager, and that Miguel Tejada will be named manager. Brother Billy Ripken will direct the Orioles’ farm organization.
- In July, 2019, former first lady Michelle Obama announces on “the View” that she is running for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination, to the delight and tearful pleasure of Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg. Later that year, it is reported that she made the announcement against the wishes of her own immediate family, who wants to remain “chillin’” in Hawaii.
- In the run-up to Donald Trump’s re-election bid in 2020, the most popular prime-time show on cable and satellite television is “Being Barron,” starring Barron Trump, himself, and featuring his teen-aged and teasing take on living in the White House. Young Barron proves to be a comic genius in the cadence and timing of his monologues, and he reads some of his fan mail (mostly from girls) in a segment of the weekly show. At the end of each episode, the signature send-off shows Barron rolling his eyes, at the sound of his mother Melania (unseen), telling him that it’s time to turn off the TV and to get ready for bed. The proceeds of the show funds programs which allow under-privileged and at-risk teens to attend charter and other private schools, and then draws ire from the teachers’ unions and Democrats in the House and Senate.
- The fall election of 2020 sees the re-election of President Trump, who wins in forty of the fifty states, garnering 334 electoral votes to Elizabeth Warren’s 204. This immediately prompts demands for a recount by Democrats, and amid allegations that Trump stole the election, the final results have Trump winning 339 electoral votes to Warren’s 199. Efforts by Hollywood to urge Republican electors to swing the vote to Warren prove infantile as well as impotent, once again.
- As 2020 comes to a close, it is announced that Lucas Films will launch the next anticipated blockbuster in the Star Wars franchise, entitled “Young Obi Wan- the making of a Jedi.” Starring Barron Trump as the young Obi Wan, the announcement is made alongside the President, who predicts that the gate receipts for the film will be “YUGE.” In a separate statement, First Lady Melania Trump indicates that Barron’s scenes will only be filmed during the 2021 summer vacation, so as not to interfere with Barron’s education.
- Dateline November, 2021- The Supreme Court unanimously rules that all persons having been fined for not carrying health insurance during the time when such persons fell under the regulations of the now long-defunct Affordable Care Act (also known as Obama Care), are due a refund with interest on the fines that were paid, originally. In a related case, the Supreme Court also rules that all elected officials, including the president, are subject to the same regulations regarding health care, as the public at large.
- A 2023 segment of the new hit show “Fallen Stars Back in Reality” shows one-time star Miley Cyrus working as a cook aboard a Canadian commercial fishing vessel. It turns out that the Canadian government finally allowed her to remain in Canada, on the condition that she remains offshore.
- In April, 2024, former President William Jefferson Clinton publishes a tell-all memoir entitled “The Hell of Living with Hillary Clinton.” The former first lady files a defamation and libel suit against her former husband indicating, among other things, that finally, it was his fault she lost the 2016 election. In the eight years that has followed her defeat in the 2016 election, she has yet to admit that she had anything whatsoever to do with the loss.
- July, 2024- Boeing finally delivers the all-new Air Force One, at a cost of $3.5 billion dollars. After riding aboard the plane on its maiden voyage, President Trump tweets “It’s pretty nice, but my own plane is nicer, so I am going to keep traveling on ‘Trump Force One’ – besides, I won’t have to give it up when I leave office.”
- In January of 2026, the Baltimore Colts defeat the Indianapolis Ravens in an AFC Championship contest that no one anticipated would ever be played. Baltimore goes on to defeat the NFC Champion Washington INAs (Indigenous Native-Americans) in Super Bowl LXI.
So that’s the way it is, or might be, in the new year of 2017, and beyond.
This is your intrepid commentator, Drew Nickell, reporting…
Happy New Year !
-Drew Nickell, 29 December 2016
© 2016 by Drew Nickell, all rights reserved.
author of “Bending Your Ear- a Collection of Essays on the Issues of Our Times”
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